 General Info
| I Am Here For: |
For a New Experience |
| Marital Status: |
In a Relationship |
| Children: |
Undecided |
| Education: |
Post Grad |
| Religion: |
Christian |
| Smoke: |
No |
| Drink: |
Yes |
| Occupation: |
Attorney/VP of Operations |
| Body Type: |
Athletic |
| Height: |
6' 2" |
| Ethnicity: |
White / Caucasian |
| Languages: |
German, English, Spanish, Japanese |
My Web Gifts
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HackBarnstormer's Scoop
About me:
Being this tacky on purpose is a talent.
Before I get started I just want to say that I have a ton of backlogged blogs. All of my blogs can be found here. Enjoy, bitches!
OK, on with the 'About Me' stuff... I'm so full of BS, how am I ever gonna fit it into a box this small? I finally broke down and made one of these handy bullet lists like all of the other cool kids on here:
♠ I am a lawyer by background, but I hate [most] lawyers more than anyone you know.
♥ I am the undisputed champion of strip perdiddle (or padiddle, pediddle, or any regional dialect variation).
♣ I own, race, and breed thoroughbred horses… OK, so I don’t personally breed them, the stud horse does that.
¤ I love using the phrase “… makes me want to jizz.”
♠ I am the white Shaft.
♥ I am completely into my wonderful and talented fiancé Shelley, and (surprisingly) she tolerates me.
♣ I think the Myspace whores that post ‘whore me-whore her-whore him’ messages should be hit repeatedly by a cross-town bus.
¤ I wish I had more recipes in my repertoire.
♠ I am currently working on writing five novels.
♥ A great deal of my decisions are made following the tenet of WWJGD, or “What Would James Garner Do?”.
♣ Blogging is essential to my way of life.
¤ I am a direct descendant of the original Founding Father John Hancock, and I have the giant-assed handwriting to prove it.
♠ My past is more checkered than the décor of a Steak ‘n Shake (see sign below).
♥ I am a grammar and spelling Nazi, but I won’t correct you. I will just use/spell the questioned item correctly in a message/comment to you and then laugh about it with Shelley.
♣ I am officially a VIP with Trashy Lingerie due to loyal patronage and massive amounts of word of mouth advertising.
¤I feel the respective inventors of vinyl, malt liquor, and beef jerky should have received Nobel Prizes for their work.
♠ You should join my personal Yahoo Photo Album Group because all of the cool kids are doing it. Maybe I will even update it sometime.
♥ My Myspace friends are cooler than yours.
♣ I will be a gamer ‘til I die and they pry the controller from my cold, dead hand.
¤ If I could fight anyone it would be George W. Bush, so I could throw him a beatdown Tyler Durden-style and demonstrate what a pussy he is (I would even let him wear whatever costume he wanted – fighter pilot, cowboy, robotic monkey, etc.).
Shelley wanted me to point out that she is not, and never has been a stripper. She just has the boobs, clothes, and shoes.
Who I'd like to meet:
Supermodels with real bodies that have PhD's in a social science and in an engineering field that make 7 figures a year and own their own breweries. Oh, and that have weekly lingerie parties with their supermodel and starlet friends. Oh, wait… I already met someone light years better than that. In that case I guess I would just like to meet anyone fun, friendly, and interesting. If you are well-read (i.e. don’t have ‘The Da Vinci Code’ listed among your favorite books) it is a plus.
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More About HackBarnstormer
My Other Profile/Website Links:
N/A
Interests:
I have an exceptionally wide array of interests. I love to discuss everything from Shakespeare to quantum physics, from 'Scooby Doo' to architecture, from drinking games to theology. Maybe I should just list things I am into... that could work. OK, the ones I already named plus politics (I'm a moderate-to-liberal independent and a fiscal conservative - and boy, are those rare anymore), horseracing, lingerie, mythology, jurisprudence, 'The Rockford Files' (James Garner is the man), mixed drinks, Christianity, psychology, cartoons, ghosts, quality music... and not-so quality music, firefighting, cancer survivors, genetic engineering, sex, mashed potatoes (shout out for that to "Lauren"), economics, Lemondheads candy, the American Revolution, pets, New Orleans, hot sauce, admiralty, relationships, Robert B. Parker novels, Novas, Famke Janssen, aircraft and flight (want my pilot's license one day), Cincinnati, prayer, pumpkin pie, excellent documentaries, ancient civilizations, Comedy Central shows, classic literature, Duke University, hot tubs, processed meats and cheeses, poker, Miami, Wile E. Coyote, 'Fable', Ohio history, sociology, slot machines, Shawnee Smith (when you are dating someone that looks like her hotter sister, that just makes the world seem so much nicer - I wanted to write "tagging" but thought "dating" sounded classier), suits, quoting tv shows and movies and song lyrics and literature (the more random the better), Big Red pop, unique shirts, Dave & Buster's, the 'Final Fantasy' series (especially FF VII), doing Four Horsemen shots, cuddling, Simpsons figures, languages, starry nights, 'Animal Crossing', inventions and inventing, kickball, goggles, bonfires, grammar, amusement parks, space heaters, chili, exotic dance, learning HTML, Charisma Carpenter, parapsychology, corn dogs, Marshie the Marshmallow, coins that look cool (even if not worth much), demographics, Blue Dawgs (best drink... EVER), metabolism, pop culture, roller coasters, hot wings, trivia, Las Vegas, trashy.com, history, volunteerism, Egyptology, video games, plays, the Adult Swim cartoons on Cartoon Network, 'The Sims', Eliza Dushku, caesar salad, 'Arcanum', crypto-zoology, French onion soup, art, photography, malt liquor, interior design, 'The Simpsons', satire, dill pickle-flavored potato chips, writing with good pens that make you feel like you have this perfect 'flow' going and all your ideas are completely translating to the page (almost better than sex... OK, so not really, but still a damn good feeling), the Gallop Racer series, Wayne Manor, Reuben sandwiches, batting cages, Jigglypuff, any 'Civilization' game, Taco Bell (even when I haven't been drinking), collecting more jackets and coats than I need, Jessica Simpson, antipasto salad, vinyl, 'The West Wing', following the adventures of Hack Barnstormer, Trik Nasty, Arrowhead, Ghost, and all of their superhero compadres, movie theater popcorn swimming in that fake butter stuff found only at the movies, Voo Doo, cheesecake, neuro-science, the 'Suikoden' series, dope-looking ties, my James Bond-esque cars (my Mazda and Shell's Nissan), beer (cheap is great, but lately I have been really into Harp beer, urban legends, being a "man of fashion", time travel, my kickass parents, working out at the Y, eating at 'the Y', my dope Toshiba laptop, Napster, any video game that lets you create your own characters and design how they look, soups, saying the words "populace" and "ampersand", On Demand TV, this hat, camping (but I don't use a tent - I throw a sleeping bag down on the ground and sleep in the open air), rum, webcam, monkeys, fez hats, monkeys in fez hats, Skee-Ball, antiques, Stacy Keibler (she is a wrestling chick and I don't watch wrestling, unless it is my boy, Trik Nasty, but she used to be called Miss Hancock... and she is smoking hot), cashews, Cuban sandwiches, slang, masturbation, milk, Teen Girl Squad, legal research, steaks, carving jack-o-lanterns, exposing UNC as the work of The Devil, crab legs, admiring Big Boy, chai tea, Cletus and much, much, much, much, much more... Oh yeah, I can't forget these interests too...
I guess they are all the same interest though.
My Favorite Websites:
N/A
Music:
I am all over the place when it comes to music. I enjoy a wide variety and have a little bit of everything in my download list. Just some of the artists I enjoy include Maroon 5, Norah Jones, NWA, Cake, Incubus, Pet Shop Boys, Bob Marley, Tupac, Edie Brickell, Bare Naked Ladies, The Pharcyde, Nickelback (but not that craptastic song 'Photograph'), The Clash, Beethoven, The Cure, Ludacris, Charlie Daniels, House of Pain, Morphine, Beck, Jurassic 5, Outkast, Gorillaz, POD, Billie Holiday, James Brown, Stabbing Westward, Ice Cube, Kare Bear Mafia (funny as hell and representin' for all us geeks out here), BB King, Hank Sr., Hank Jr., Mya, Prince, Willie Nelson, Liz Phair, Duran Duran, Jay-Z, Sublime, Blur, Coldplay, Bach, Fleetwood Mac, The Bloodhound Gang, whatever DJ Ghost Truck or DJ Pink Slip are spinning, Jimmy Buffet, G Unit (Lloyd Banks and The Game, not 50 Cent), Mozart, Spin Doctors, Yeah Yeah Yeahs, Moody Blues, Miles Davis, Basement Jaxx, Cat Stevens, Tom Petty, Kasey Chambers, Frank Sinatra, Tribe Called Quest, Merle Haggard, ClubFM (internet radio station that plays some of the best dance, trance, and remixes around), Beastie Boys, Sade, Disturbed, Lynard Skynard, De La Soul, Archie Bell and the Drells, KC and the Sunshine Band, Johnny Cash, Bob Dylan, Rage Against The Machine, Massive Attack, Run DMC, Enigma, Patsy Cline, DJ Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince, A2 (go hear their stuff NOW!), Digital Underground, Huey Lewis and the News, Alice Cooper, NIN, Puddle of Mudd, Saliva, 3 Doors Down, Biggie, DMB (when Dave is not being obscurely pseudo-philosophical for the sake of being obscurely pseudo-philosophical), Ingrid, Staind, General Stacks (a kick ass band full of kick ass chicks, and a very good friend of mine - so go listen to their shit right now!), System of a Down, Live, Jason Mraz, Weezer, Nerf Herder, Proclaimers, Indigo Girls, Bush, Fydolla Ho (Shawnee Smith's band... see above), Smash Mouth, LL Cool J, Billy Joel, N.E.R.D., Snow (that dude kicked ass - admit it!), The Smiths, Fugazi, Jane's Addiction, Junior Senior, 311, Snoop, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Wagner, John Williams, Hendrix, The Doors, Kid Rock (when he was making white trash rap and not recording the lame 70s rehash shit he is making now), CCR, Dwight Yokam, kd lang, REM, The Rubber Maids (hustle over and take a listen, PRONTO!), The Police, Depeche Mode, Motley Crue, Lil Kim, The Eagles, Tenacious D, Santana, Rob Zombie, R Kelly, STP, Color Me Badd (don't laugh, I will find you), Vivaldi, Arlo Guthrie, Aerosmith, Widespread Panic, Morris Day and the Time, Dixie Chicks, Soul Coughing, Kanye West, Counting Crows, Sting, Mary Chapin Carpenter, John Mayer, Shelley when she is driving on a highway, KRS-1, Dirty Vegas, AC/DC, Wallflowers, Dire Straits, Methods of Mayhem, Bruce Hornsby, Lords of Acid, ABBA, Paul Oakenfold, Gin Blossoms, Paul Simon, Simon & Garfunkel, James Taylor, Jack O'Pearce, Matchbox 20, Goo Goo Dolls, Stevie Wonder, Little T and One Track Mike, Bionic Jive, Snow Dogs, Easy E, Was Not Was, Mitch Rider & The Detroit Wheels, DMX, Red Sovine, Usher, Black Crows, Marvin Gaye, Erykah Badu, The Kinks, Elvis, Seven Mary Three, Moby, Godsmack, Randy Newman, Bubba Sparxxx, Temptations, Kilo (just for 'White Horse' alone - quite possibly the greatest song in the history of music), Neil Diamond, Changing Faces, Linkin Park, ICP, Cowboy Mouth, Wayne Newton, Sophie B. Hawkins, Devinyls ('I Touch Myself' is one of the coolest songs of all time), Soul Casket, Twiztd, New Radicals, Van Halen, Sarah McLachlan, Tears for Fears, Fatboy Slim, Offspring, Rappy McRapperson (his lyrics will change your life), Everlast, Public Enemy, Danny Elfman, Cypress Hill, Nellie, Glenn Miller, The Beatles, John Coltrane, Cheap Trick, Wings, Jet, When In Rome, James, Tears For Fears, Dirty Vegas, XTC, Shinedown, Stereo MCs, Siouxsie and The Banshees, PM Dawn, Hot Action Cop, Hinder, and the Boston Pops.
Movies:
Once again, no real rhyme or reason to what movies I like... but, here is a very small list of some favorites: Office Space, Ocean's 11, Roger and Me, Jaws, X-Men (1 and 2), Pharlap, The Untouchables, Rounders, Fight Club, The Usual Suspects, High Fidelity, Bowling for Columbine, Saving Private Ryan, Se7en, Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid, Snatch, Made, The Frighteners, Ferris Beuller's Day Off, Glory, Breakfast Club, A Few Good Men, Shawshank Redemption, Ghostbusters, Lifetime movies that suck me in on weekends (especially ones that have an after-school special quality to them), Deadman on Campus, Gone in 60 Seconds, The Best of Times, The Boxer, JFK, Casey's Shadow, The Big Lebowski, Field of Dreams, Kenneth Branagh's Hamlet, anything with Christy Canyon or Victoria Del Rio in it, One Crazy Summer, Silent Fall, Jade, The Last Boyscout, The Sandlot, O Brother Where Art Thou, Cast A Deadly Spell (Fred Ward as H.P. Lovecraft as a noir PI in 1940s LA with magic and gangsters - heck yeah!), The Goonies, Bad Boys 1... and 2, I admit it, Swingers, The Rainmaker, Evil Dead 1 and 2 and Army of Darkness, El Diablo, My Fellow Americans, Lord of the G-Strings, Bull Durham, Let It Ride, Pee Wee's Big Adventure, Silverado, Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back, Fahrenheit 9/11, The New Guy, Batman Forever, The French Connection, House on Haunted Hill, The Ghost and the Darkness, Princess Bride, Cruel Intentions (for the painfully obvious reasons), Hoosiers, The Adventures of Ford Fairlane, Gettysburg, Empire Records, Borat, The Great Escape, Dave, American Splendor, Supersize Me, We Are... Marshall, Wedding Crashers, The 40-Year-Old Virgin, Saw II (I predicted the twist ending just from the commercial, but I have a thing for Shawnee Smith - see above), Saw III, Waiting, The Eulogy, Dodgeball, and to sound classy - Satan's Cheerleaders.
Books:
Let me just stick with the trend and list a bunch of stuff on here too... The Bible, 'Hamlet', 'Fast Food Nation', 'Fingerprints of the Gods' (really makes you think about ancient civilizations, Ice Ages, and a whole lot more), 'Lies and the Lying Liars That Tell Them' (now that's research), any Robert B. Parker 'Spenser' book, 'Secretariat: Making of a Champion', 'Merchant of Venice', M.R. James' short stories about ghosts, 'Haunted Heartland', 'A Time to Kill', 'The Rainmaker', 'Homestretch', the Harry Potter books, Game Informer magazine (the greatest game mag ever), 'Weapons of Mass Distraction', 'Rush Limbaugh is a Big Fat Idiot', 'Race Matters' (Cornell West is brilliant), 'The Legend of Sleepy Hollow' (have a soft spot for Ichabod Crane), almost all Michael Crichton novels, 'Wealth of Nations', 'Seabiscuit', the Lord of the Rings trilogy, the entire run of Nomad comics, each and every book or story I write, 'The Baron of Beacon Hill' (about my namesake and uncle from way back), 'Plain English for Lawyers', 'On the Road', 'Asher Lev', the writings of Frederick Douglas, 'To Kill A Mockingbird', Hans Holzer's parapsychology books, the Daily Racing Form, 'What's the Matter with Kansas?', 'The Exporting of America', 'Dumbing Down', 'John Hancock: Patriot and Merchant King' (another book about my kick ass ancestor), and anything that grabs my attention.
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